Something Left to Save
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: Two friends meet again after many years and find a spark that might finally be able to ignite.


**This story was written for a challenge a the illustrious Writer's Ranch. The challenge was "unexplored love". I know this particular pairing has been explore a plenty by many but never before by me. Not really anyway. **

* * *

Walking through the bat wing doors of the saloon she felt the air sucked out of her lungs. The rumors had been true—he was here. He wasn't on his first glass of whiskey. That much was obvious in how his shoulders slumped. Or maybe it wasn't the whiskey but life that was weighing those shoulders down. A few things had changed as his countenance had aged but not enough that she couldn't still see the boy she had once known dwelling yet within the grizzled man at a table off by himself.

She wanted to stride over to him with confidence but it had been so long and just seeing him across a room brought up feelings she thought she had long buried. She wasn't about to back down though and did make her way across the floor to where he sat. One of the girls looked at her a bit strange and she supposed it was to be expected. He obviously had made it clear he was in no mood for company and with her simple work dress she hardly looked like someone who would provide that company if he did want it.

His face was the same open book that it had always been to her and while he might not have needed the services of the working girls, he needed something. He needed a friend. They had been that once. She wasn't sure he still considered them such but she always would. She had once thought at times there was something in addition to friends they could be but it had never been explored. It was for the best at the time but now, seeing him looking so fragile, so broken down by his burdens, she thought maybe that would still be there. If he saw her shadow on the table he didn't show it. He didn't move at all, not for a while and then he tensed like he was about to speak and perhaps not nicely either.

"I should tell Emma on you, Jimmy," Lou said trying to keep her voice light and willing it not to break at the very thought that she was talking to her old friend after all these years. "Forget what Russell, Majors and Waddell would say, she'd give you a tongue lashing for sure if she saw you in here drinking like this."

His head shot up. It couldn't be. That voice that haunted his dreams and she called him Jimmy like there was still such a person.

"Lou?"

Lou's eyes met his and the turmoil she once felt every time she looked at him started again. She had loved them both but Kid had held tight while Jimmy had pushed her away. A part of her had always been angry that he hadn't fought for her or maybe she was just angry at herself for not fighting for him. Whatever else had changed, those golden brown eyes of his had not. They seemed to hold more pain but they were the ones of her old friend all the same.

"What're you doing in this place, Jimmy?" she asked trying to put aside the guarded hope she had heard in his voice. What he was hoping for she didn't know but it was a lamenting sort of thing all the same as if he was hoping for something he knew he would never have. "Come on. You need to get out of here."

"Got nowhere else to go," he muttered more to the glass than to her.

"Yeah you do," she said gently, "You always have. Come with me."

Jimmy sat there not knowing what to do. The whiskey wasn't helping him think but neither was Lou standing there like he had dreamt she would so many times. All those memories he had tried to keep a hold of and how just in the last few months he could picture her less and less clearly. He knew her face would have changed and it was older but just looking up and being reminded that her eyes were brown—he hadn't been able to remember—it was such a rush of emotion he couldn't have stood if his very life depended on it.

"Jimmy," Lou said and it was clear to him that she was losing patience. He reached out for her hand more than a little afraid that he would find when he tried to take her hand that she was mere illusion. He was so surprised when she reached and touched him and was truly flesh and blood that he jumped. She smiled as he stood and he couldn't tell if it was the whiskey or her smile that made him feel lightheaded. He decided it was her when she reached out to steady him and he felt his pulse race from the closer contact.

Lou led him out onto the street and the cooler night air immediately started clearing his head. He had stayed away from her on purpose. They had shared too much and it made him want things that weren't his. He knew that sometimes she wanted them too but they weren't truly kids anymore and wanting something did not mean you could have it. This was no game, there were real consequences and real people could be hurt. If anything solidified his need to stay away from her it was the way she flinched and turned to Kid when Elias Mills was hanged. It wasn't that she took comfort in the Kid; it was her reaction to seeing him hanged. Jimmy knew if he fought for her, won her maybe even, that eventually she would see him killed and he could not inflict that pain on her. Sometimes sacrifices had to be made for people you loved and sometimes that sacrifice was choosing to not be with them.

He shouldn't be with her now either. He didn't even know how she was here, pulling him out of a saloon.

"What're you doing here, Lou?" he asked, "How did you find me?"

"Heard a rumor around town that you'd been seen here," she said, "I live here. Thought I'd check it out and see if there was any truth to what people was saying. There you were."

"You should've sent Kid to see," he admonished her, "You look like a lady now, you shouldn't be in a saloon at this hour."

"Kid's gone, Jimmy," she informed him, "About five years now."

Jimmy slumped against the outside wall of the saloon.

"Lou, I'm sorry," he said and he did mean it.

"Yeah well, you would have known already if you'd ever stopped to visit anyone," she spat at him, "Could've used a friend and you were the best one I had. I could always lean on you until you made it so I couldn't."

Jimmy knew that was coming. He had hoped when he heard her voice and saw her eyes that the anger wouldn't come with it but he deserved it after all. He turned to head back to the saloon.

"Where do you think you're going?" she growled at him.

"Away," he said, "I know you hate me and I deserve it. I don't need to be causing you more pain."

"You cause me pain by being away and you think going away again is going to save me from the pain?" she was incredulous; "You're smarter than that. Come on."

He studied her features for a moment. He could see the effects of the years on her face. It had been fourteen, maybe even close to fifteen since he had seen her. But yet somehow even though he knew the lines were there, when he really looked at her the years fell away and there she was the way he would always remember her, the way she had looked in that blue dress in Willow Springs. Lou for him would always be frozen in that moment. He had gotten skilled enough at recalling it that he now only saw her as she came down the stairs, as she smiled at him over dinner, as she danced with him in the street and not as she had been with a noose around her neck. Silently he followed along behind her. He scanned the street for a wagon as she wasn't wearing a skirt for riding but he found none.

"Your place must not be far," he observed.

"Not far at all," she replied stopping in front of a storefront and pointing at the sign. 'Lulabelle's' it said and Jimmy smiled at the memory of the term of endearment Emma used for her. "I live over the shop."

She unlocked the door and nodded for him to enter and then followed him in locking the door behind her.

"The stairs are right over here," she said motioning for him to follow.

Jimmy caught something in her voice. It might have been apprehension and he understood when he took a moment to think about it. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be going to where she lived, not at this hour, not when her husband was no longer there. She shouldn't allow this of any man but maybe especially not him.

"Lou," he said startling her and really his voice nearly startled himself, "I shouldn't be here, not now, not like this. I should go. I should come back tomorrow when I could call on you proper."

"Still making choices for others, I see," she shot back sharply, "You used to say Kid shouldn't make decisions for me and you were right but you always did too, didn't you? I said I want you here. I missed my friend. I was hoping you still were my friend, Jimmy."

"Other folks in town might not see that as clear as you and me," he pointed out.

"I don't care," she said, "I have the only dress shop for miles and I am damned good at what I do. There's no way I lose business no matter what I do and aren't I entitled to have a friend close after all this time?"

She didn't even wait for an answer, just turned and stomped up the stairs knowing somehow that he would follow and he did. Lou opened the door to her living quarters and he stepped into the room for really that's all it was although it was a spacious room that she had divided some in order to have her sleeping area more separate from her living area. He immediately took note that there was nothing of a cooking area.

"You still don't cook, I see," he smirked and she allowed something close to a giggle before becoming more serious.

"I can cook now," she explained, "I never really liked it and it's more practical to just eat out. I used to cook."

He could see the sadness overtake her and knew that she had cooked when married.

"What happened to him?"

"He made it back from the war just fine," she began, "Well, not fine I guess. He was wounded and got an infection that nearly killed him. That's when they sent him home. He just wasn't strong enough to fight anymore. He wasn't strong enough to run a farm either but you know that stubborn old mule that he was, he wouldn't consider anything else. I told him we had options but he wouldn't hear it because every option included me working in some way and he wanted to prove he could support me, like I ever cared about things like that." She paused as if collecting her thoughts and getting them back on track. "Anyway, the doctor said his heart just wasn't strong enough to take the work. I called him in for supper one night and he didn't come in. I went out looking for him and found him just laying there, dead."

He could see the tears in her eyes threatening to fall and suddenly the last however many years it had been just fell away. He crossed the distance to her and wrapped her in his arms. Jimmy said nothing, just held her tight to him and let her cry, let her scream, let her pound his chest with her fists. When she finally slumped against him in exhaustion he lifted her and carried her to a chair and set her gently down. Kneeling next to her he took her hands in his.

"I didn't have anything to make me want to stay there," she said taking a deep breath and wiping her tears away with the back of her hand, "And I had every reason to not want to be there anymore. We never had kids. Jeremiah and Theresa are grown now. I kind of wandered and happened on this town and thought it needed a dress shop. When I was younger I dreamed of such a thing, I was always pretty decent with a needle and thread and I've gotten better."

"You were always good at anything you really set your mind to," he observed absently remembering how she would never let any of them forget she was just as capable at anything that needed doing.

"Except love," she countered, "I was a mess at that."

"We was too young, all of us, to be any good at that at all."

"You were pretty bad at it too, weren't you," she said smiling and remembering his failed attempts at romance and how so many of them seemed to put someone, often Jimmy himself in harm's way. "I think the only woman you found that wasn't a complete disaster was that church lady, Alice."

"Alice was a good woman," he agreed, "But she wasn't the only good one. She wasn't even the one I loved most or wanted most."

"You can't mean that Sarah Downs?" Lou asked wrinkling her nose, "She nearly got you killed. And Rosemary Burke did get Noah killed."

"I know that," he answered looking away lest his eyes give away his already barely concealed secret, "I wasn't talking about either of them."

"Well, maybe it's not too late," Lou said thinking that maybe she knew who he was talking about and really hoping that she did. She and Kid had a good life while he was with her. They had wanted a child desperately and it was sad that it wasn't to be for them but they had Theresa and Jeremiah. Kid had changed in so many ways for the better. What she wore didn't concern him and he deferred in so many ways to her own willful spirit. When he had been a stubborn old mule she understood it was his own pride and need to feel like a man. She couldn't deny him such a thing even though it had killed him. But there had always been one other love in her heart and she knew that maybe if either of them had the courage when they were younger that maybe the whole course of both of their lives would have been different. It wasn't that she even knew who she would have chosen or necessarily thought things would have been better but one of the men left her a relatively young widow while the other was still alive.

"It's far too late with her," Jimmy said, "Can't imagine she has much tender feeling for me anymore. Not that I blame her or would have a right to ask after all these years."

He thought he saw Lou deflate a little and took a chance.

"I guess it's something that you still care enough to want to be my friend," he went on pointedly looking at her, "Not many would care if I drank myself half blind in that saloon tonight or where I finally laid my head. I wish I could explain why I stayed away but everything I come up with sounds like an excuse. Sounds like it because it is. I stayed away to spare my own feelings. That's it. You can hate me if you want."

"I don't hate you, Jimmy," she said, "I spent a lot of time mad at you but now that you're here I can't even bring myself to be that anymore."

She had walked toward the saloon that night holding every bit of anger that she had accumulated through the years. She had missed her friend. She had missed the thought that maybe they could have been something more. She had missed him so much and it was his fault she had missed him. He had stayed away. He could have found her. It wouldn't have been that hard. But the moment she saw him alone at that table trying to drink away hurt she didn't even know, she knew she could not be angry. He had suffered as much as she had. He might have suffered more. He had not known any love at all as far as she knew. She at least had that for a while. She thought of every news article she had read about the great Wild Bill Hickok and knew how even the name wore on him and the things he had done would have been even worse on him.

She looked at him now, at the worry etched on his face, the sadness so entrenched in his eyes that she wondered if there was enough love or comfort in the world to soothe it away. He looked lost and despite the years that had gone by, he looked suddenly younger than when she had first met him. She placed her hand on his cheek.

"I could never hate you."

Jimmy covered her hand on his cheek with his own and closed his eyes relishing the warmth and care she showed him. It had been so long since anyone had.

"I ain't any better for you or anyone else than I was before," he told her, "Matter of fact, I'm even worse. I got even less to offer if you can believe that."

"You've never been a good judge of yourself," Lou said softly before pressing her lips lightly to his. The kiss only lasted a moment but it left them both swimming in a sea of emotions they hadn't thought mattered anymore.

Lou moved to lean back into the chair but Jimmy pulled her face back to his pausing just before their lips met again.

"I got to know, Lou," he nearly growled at her, "That night we kissed, if we wasn't interrupted, were you going to stop me?"

"No," she admitted breathlessly.

Jimmy searched her eyes for only a moment longer before covering her mouth with his own. Lou slid off the chair to kneel in front of where he was already kneeling. The kiss deepened and spoke of what they wanted and yet neither dared to make the next move.

When the kiss ended they each sank back on their heels and looked at each other.

"What are we doing here, Lou?" Jimmy asked.

"I don't know," she admitted, "Maybe getting a second chance?"

"I'm a lost cause," he said looking away from her. He had to look away from her. If he dared connect once more with those big brown eyes of hers he would never look away again. He would only be able to see what he wanted, not what was right or what he could have. "I think I was before you ever even met me but I know I am now. There just ain't anything left of me."

"I think there's still plenty worth fighting for in you, Jimmy," she told him as the moisture began to form in her eyes, "I just have to hear it from you. I can't go like we used to. I can't get close to you, almost close enough and have you pull away leaving me feeling a fool. I can't do that anymore. I'm too old and too tired for those games now."

Jimmy turned his palms up in his own helplessness.

"What do you want?" he asked, "Do you want me to tell you I love you? I do love you. I have always loved you. Every woman I ever knew came up short because she wasn't you. Is that what you wanted to hear, Lou? Because all I have is the truth and that was it. I ain't got nothing else to give you. Every time I pushed you away from me and toward him it killed me just a little bit. And I didn't do it to save you from being with me or being in danger. I did it because I was scared, just like you said. I was scared of you not wanting me. I was scared I'd tell you everything and you'd choose him anyway. I was scared. All I had was being brave or people thinking I was at any rate. But you get the truth now Lou, now that it don't even matter anymore. Wild Bill Hickok was too scared of a woman to tell her how he felt."

His voice rose as he spoke and he was near to yelling when he finished. Lou let the tears fall for his honesty and his pain. She couldn't help reaching for him but he flinched back away from her.

"Make sure you mean it," he warned, "I couldn't take it if come tomorrow this wasn't real—or worse, I'm a regret. If all I get is one night to not be alone, I could've handled that just fine at the saloon."

"The only regret I have is that I didn't have the courage before now either," she nearly whispered, "I love you too. I think I might've liked you since the beginning. I used to watch you practice shooting and think how a woman wouldn't need to fear anything if you were there to protect her. I know I don't voice thoughts like that and at the time I couldn't see depending on anyone, especially a man, like that. I didn't even know you well enough to know for sure you weren't someone I needed protection from. But there was always something about you, Jimmy Hickok, something that drew me in and let me know I was bound to you in some way. Maybe it was fate or destiny or something. Teaspoon would've known what to call it if I'd ever asked him but I didn't dare. I don't want to let one more moment slip away from us because of fear. Life's too short, Jimmy, we need to be happy now and for as long as we can."

This time he reached for her and there was no shrinking back. Their lips met, tongues plundering each other's mouths. Clothes were shed and soon Jimmy held Lou's naked form to his equally naked body, cradled in his arms like a new bride as he carried her toward her bed. So many feelings had passed between them through the years even when they were too far apart to know it and every single one was played out between those sheets. In time they fell asleep a tangle of arms and legs, the sheets clinging to their sweat slicked bodies.

Jimmy woke a few hours later when Lou kept drawing closer and tighter to him. He realized how chilled they had become and reached for a blanket that had slipped off. Before he went back to sleep he pressed a kiss to the side of Lou's face and delighted in the unconscious sigh he received from her. He didn't know what the morning's light would bring for the two of them but he knew they would find out together as they would every tomorrow. Tears pricked at his eyes in both a celebration of the happiness he finally had to look forward to and a mourning of the years lost, wasted.

He then whispered something that he often said into the lonely darkness of wherever he happened to be but that night he was whispering it to the one always meant to hear it.

"I love you, Lou."

* * *

**I love this song and the more I listened to it, the more I thought if Jimmy and specifically Jimmy and Lou many years later. It was sometimes a challenge to write as my characters weren't always super cooperative. I need to thank, as always, Kristina for crystalizing my thoughts. She has the best way of doing that. I am an infinitely better writer for knowing her as well as the rest of my lovelies at The Plus! You all keep me sane. And please do take a moment to read the lyrics if you are not familiar with the song. They are really quite amazing.-J**

* * *

Savior by Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten  
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them  
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping  
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place  
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds  
but seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you  
like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear  
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?  
because I don't know  
that's when she said I don't hate you boy  
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save  
that's when I told her I love you girl  
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

but the day pressed on like crushing weights  
for no man does it ever wait  
like memories of dying days  
that deafen us like hurricanes  
bathed in flames we held the brand  
uncurled the fingers in your hand  
pressed into the flesh like sand  
now do you understand?  
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?  
because I don't know  
that' s when she said I don't hate you boy  
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save  
that's when I told her I love you girl  
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away  
there's nothing left to say  
but so much left that I don't know  
we never had a choice  
this world is too much noise  
it takes me under  
it takes me under once again

I don't hate you  
I don't hate you  
so tell me now  
if this ain't love then how do we get out?  
because I don't know

that's when she said I don't hate you boy  
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save  
that's when I told her I love you girl  
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have  
I don't hate you  
I don't hate you, no


End file.
